BDSM Negotiation
Negotiation is the backbone of consensual BDSM practices. In fact, negotiation and consent are the primary ways BDSM is distinguished from abuse. They are essential elements of kink play. BDSM without explicit understanding from both parties isn't consensual. Both parties need to be crystal clear on all terms to avoid the risk of coercive behaviours. Gaslighting, lies of omission and peer pressure are some common signs to watch out for when engaging in BDSM. Neither party should ever be forced, pressured or persuaded into doing something they aren't 100% okay with.
Even so, negotiation is often glossed over or sped through, even by experienced players, which is a shame -- and sometimes downright dangerous. Not only is negotiation one of the most valuable ways to keep yourself and your partner safe, but -- when done correctly -- it's also part of the fun.
Whether you start the conversation in person, by email or by text, negotiation can be akin to flirting and dirty talk. You're sorting through a whole world of possibilities and deciding what you'd like to do together; that's exciting stuff!
Here are some of the key points to cover during your BDSM negotiation.
SSC vs RACK
Because consent is essential in kink and BDSM, there are multiple frameworks for making sure consent is addressed in both public and private play. SSC (safe, sane and consensual) is a framework that was developed in the early days of the internet, when kinksters were discussing their practices on message boards.
As discourse evolved, RACK (risk-aware consensual kink) was proposed as an alternative to SSC. The reasoning behind this shift is nuanced, but there are two important points: RACK acknowledges that no kink activity is truly "safe" and that the term "sane" can be seen as ablest.
"Risk-aware" focuses on the importance of informed consent, meaning that someone can not consent to an activity if they do not fully understand the risks that they are accepting.
In practice, both SSC and RACK are still used in kink settings, and if you're looking at public or private party descriptions, you may see events listed as either SSC or RACK events. What this tends to mean in practice is that SSC events are more beginner friendly or more suitable for the general public, and RACK events tend to include riskier activities such as play that involves blood or fire.
Negotiate in Advance When Possible
It's best to negotiate in advance when possible. Once you're already naked and in bed (or in the dungeon), there's too much pressure to rush through the process -- that's how important information gets missed. Also, it's well-documented that arousal can cloud your judgment. So, set some time aside before you play and get your negotiation done right. You can allow the anticipation to build as part of foreplay.
Focus on the Connection
When you're planning kink play, it can be easy to get lost in the details. First and foremost, remember to focus on the connection between you and your partner. Allow the kink play to act as a tool to facilitate intimacy rather than as the main event.
What Tone Do You Want to Set?
Think about the tone you want to set for your scene. Make sure that you're both on the same page. If one person is looking for something sweet, with a little bondage and spanking to add spice, and the other is looking for an intense discipline scene, one or both people are going to be surprised and disappointed -- maybe even angry and hurt.
Set-Up a Kink Inventory List
When you're talking about the specifics of what you're going to do, a yes/no/maybe list or other kink inventory can be helpful. Lists like these can give you ideas you may not have had on your own. You may even become aware of kinks that you didn't know existed.
While you're thinking about what you want to do, make sure that you also think about what you don't want to do. Your boundaries (sometimes called soft limits and hard limits) are as essential to negotiate as the things you do want.
Many people have limits their partner might not expect (such as, not touching feet or not using certain words) and nothing derails play faster than someone being triggered or having a negative emotional response. Be sure to not only get these limits expressly stated, but discuss what to do if an unexpected emotional landmine is hit. BDSM can tap into extreme vulnerability and sometimes people have a strong response. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but be sure you know if your partner wants to be comforted or left alone if something does come up.
Limits aren't only about things you don't want to happen.
They might also revolve around how intense the play becomes. Not everyone wants pain with their kink. There are plenty of ways to engage in BDSM that don't involve physical pain. If you are playing hard, make sure that you discuss marks and bruises, especially in areas that will be visible to others. Some people have a personal or professional life that isn't compatible with visible bruises.
Negotiate Toys and Tools
BDSM play doesn't require special tools, but a lot of kinksters love their gear. And it's a good idea to check in about all the toys and tools that may be used during your scene. For example, bondage rope is often made from hemp or jute, which can cause reactions in people with grass allergies. People can have a variety of other concerns related to the materials used on their bodies, such as vegans avoiding leather floggers.
