Discovering the BDSM Community
The BDSM community is not a perfect, black leather dreamland, but for those who approach it with open hearts and minds, it can be much more than just a place for sex.
If you've been reading books, exploring websites, and perhaps even trying some kinky play on your own, you might be curious about the larger world of clubs, classes, events, and potential playmates that exists within the BDSM community. Joining this community is easier than you might think, but there are valuable lessons to learn before, during, and after you put on your fetish gear and dive in.
Understanding the BDSM World
One of the biggest challenges people face when searching for their place in the kink scene is letting go of preconceived notions about the community. Mainstream media often misrepresents BDSM, depicting it as closer to emotional and physical abuse than the reality of being a member of the BDSM community. Crucial elements like negotiation and consent are often glossed over for the sake of ill-conceived erotic intensity.
When you decide to find your place in the BDSM world, try to approach it without expectations. Take it slow, steady, and keep your eyes open. Another common hurdle is expecting the BDSM community to be a perfect leather utopia, free of conflict and mistakes. Remember, the BDSM community is made up of people, who can be caring, loving, infuriating, rude, and everything in between.
That being said, the BDSM community does strive to be inclusive and welcoming. When attending your first meeting or event, be upfront about your experiences, as limited as they might be. As Robin Beatch, sex and relationship educator and host of Sex with Robin, says, "When I entered my first BDSM event I thought 'This is the island for misfit toys.'" People new to the kink world are usually treated with kindness and care because everyone remembers how intimidating it was to show up for the first time.
How to Connect With the BDSM Community
In the past, finding munches and other BDSM events required searching listings in the back of newspapers. These days, it's much easier to connect with the BDSM community, both online and in person.
Connecting Online
One of the best resources to find your part of the BDSM community is online, through sites like Alt.com, Adult Friend Finder, FetLife, Reddit, MeetUp, or dating apps. You can also try googling "BDSM Events" plus your city or state. Online classes and workshops are more accessible than ever, so even if you live in a small town, you can access BDSM content from the comfort of your living room.
Exploring online has other advantages too. The anonymity of a username can help ease anxiety for first-time kinksters navigating a new world and protect your privacy if you're not ready to come out to friends, family, and co-workers about your kinky interests. Online communities often feature blogs and forums that allow you to interact with other members, ask questions, and find answers.
It's important to note that not all online BDSM communities are created equal. Look for spaces that use moderators to keep scammers and trolls away.
Online Safety Tips
- Choose an anonymous username
- Consider profile pictures carefully
- Don't share personal or identifiable information
- Use dedicated accounts or phone numbers
Connecting Locally
If you want to connect with your local BDSM community in person, you'll likely still begin by searching online. The first piece of advice pretty much everyone gives for joining the BDSM community is to attend a munch - a meet-up of kinksters in a public, vanilla space like a bar or restaurant. Munches are specifically designed to be welcoming to newcomers and often have greeters to help answer questions.
Another great way to get to know your local community is by attending BDSM classes. From spanking to bondage and more extreme fetishes, you can find classes on a wide variety of topics both online and in person. Classes provide a less intimidating way to dive in, as you spend most of your time watching a presentation with some mingling before and after.
Choosing BDSM Events
When you find a BDSM event you're interested in checking out in person, do some research. Most venues and clubs have a website and social media presence where you can check out the vibe of the space before attending. Carefully read all the rules and look up the dress code before taking the plunge. Some events require fetish gear (wearing all black is often a safe substitute) or may not allow jeans or sneakers.
In-Person BDSM Event Safety Tips
- Be ready to say "no"
- Create a safe call
- Use the buddy system
- Vet & get references
- Trust your gut
BDSM Community Etiquette
Before attending an in-person event, follow any rules or guidelines posted with the event. Be clear about the purpose of the event - a munch or class isn't for play and is often in a public space, so dress appropriately. Save kink outfits for dungeons and explicit play spaces.
Another standard rule is that whatever happens at a BDSM event stays there. If you see someone you recognize away from a munch, keep your mouth shut until you get a very clear signal to do otherwise. You should also be prepared for the potential of being outed yourself.
A key rule in BDSM communities is to never touch anyone or anything, like BDSM toys, without clear consent. If you make a mistake, apologize immediately and sincerely. Consent is key in healthy and safe BDSM.
Don't yuck anyone's yum. If you see something that's not your cup of tea, don't kink shame. Walk away if you need to, or approach unfamiliar kinks with genuine, open-minded curiosity.
When you show up to an event, tell them you're new and ask for a tour. This is a great way to get introduced to hosts, facilitators, and learn the layout and rules.
Becoming Part of the BDSM Community
The BDSM scene works on trust. When you first step into this world, you might feel lost and alone, scared of saying or doing the wrong thing. Keep your head on your shoulders, treat everyone with respect and politeness, take classes, go to social events, perhaps even volunteer, and before long you'll be known and seen as someone who is trustworthy.
Make real friends, not just potential playmates. If you come off as someone just cruising for play instead of trying to join the community, you'll get more cold shoulders than warm hugs.
After a short time, the doors will start to open: invitations to private parties and events. If you really want to seal your place in the local BDSM community, consider the following options:
- Volunteer at events
- Teach classes or share niche skills
- Host events like munches or rope practice
Welcome to a New World
The BDSM community is not perfect, but for those who come into it with their eyes open, their minds willing to learn, and their hearts welcoming to friendship, it can be much more than a place for sex; it can be a new world to explore and even a place that will often feel like home.
